Read Me!!!

(to anyone taken, mistaken or left behind)

Hey

Hey you there

Come over here

Do you see me?

Here

Come closer

Check me out

Am I appealing?

Pick me up

Feel my weight

Peruse my pages

On the surface

Am I what you want?

Could I satisfy your emptiness?

Imagine me

With you

I could be

"the one"

Yes, Yes

Take me

Take me with you

Home

I can bring you places

only imagined

Let me fill your nights

Open me up

Crack my binding

Delve into me

...Deep...

Let me lie there

with you

Always

within

Arms reach

I can be

"the one"

To captivate

~Intrigue~

~Excite~

I can do it

"For you"

If you would

just

pick me

No, No

Please

Don't leave

Don't leave me

here

Among the others

I could be

"the one"

The one you meant

to take

The one you

left

behind

The one you left

Your worst

Miss-Take

(This is my "take " on how a book in a book store feels when a prospective buyer approaches- I had a lot of fun writing this challenge which was to write something that could be interpreted in more than one way- Hope it was good for you too!!)





Optimistic Oaf's Oath

A perennial procrastinator produces nothing,
but they do it with ongoing success

written by an optimistic oaf

Hide & Seek the Answers

My own personal game of hide & seek goes something like this:

I find myself craving the night
The moonbeams shine a different shade of light on every situation
diffused and subtle, but so much brighter
I know my answers are near
though it is dark, I see things more clearly
I know my answers are near
Delivered straight to me
with the strength and power of the sunlight
but without all the glaring distractions
I know my answers are near
When I seek clarity
I think best in the dark
where no one else is looking

Opportunity Knocks- Do You Answer?

It's only a missed opportunity if you think it is,

 otherwise, it's a choice.

One Year Ago Today- Hallelujah!!

 It's hard to believe we were buried in snow last year at this time, but one year ago today, this is what we were looking at.  Equally hard to believe is that one year ago today, Stella was a vibrant, energetic, social dog enjoying a walk in the massive amounts of snow we had. Her current existence pales in comparison and is equally, as drastically different, as our weather.  Polar opposites in both cases. 

I can still remember our walk that day.  We were out for about an hour and a half.  The snow was so deep we were navigating undisturbed snow and it was both exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.  The scene was breathtaking and serene.  It was our escape and that escape has now become our goal.  Stella's recovery is very slow.  The longest she has walked is perhaps a quarter of a mile, maybe fifteen minutes long.  She has visited her neighboring friends, but it has been a humbling experience for her.  They want to play and she can't.  As a result her shackles stand up on end and she resembles a Rhodesian Ridgeback.  She is uneasy with their sudden movements and feels very vulnerable.  The result is, Stella prefers to walk at night when her friends can't see her slowed pace and compromised mobility.  The only exception to this is her friend Sophie who seems to understand her.  She is perfectly content to just walk with Stella, side by side, with me as their chaperon.  Stella feels at ease with Sophie who respectfully gives her the space and time she needs.  It's a sad state for a dog who was once an agility dog weaving, jumping, and snaking through tunnels.
If we could go back to this day one year ago, and give Stella a taste of who she used to be, I'm convinced she'd get the adrenalin boost she needs to get herself moving toward recovery.  The snow was magical that day and that magic is just what we need to get Stella moving toward the dog she used to be and when she does, I'll be singing my own Hallelujah Chorus.

Memory Maker

If we can make a memory worth saving, every day, then we will have lived each day fully. 

What more could we want?

Lacked the Smack

• Today was a day I lacked focus, drive, energy, talent, ambition, concern, control or creativity.  Surprisingly, I am unfazed by my lapse of presence, unmoved by my ineffective existence.  I openly accept my lackluster performance.  I took advantage of nothing, generated even less and was indifferent to every slipshod, slapdash, slovenly step.  This was an entirely erroneous loss of an opportunity to evoke inspiration.  Now I know why it is called, "lackadaisical".  This was a day that was totally lacking.  Tomorrow will be a smackadaisical day, with nothing but smashing success!

Lime-ricky Feast

If words were a food I would feast

I would gobble them up like a beast

I would chew and digest

and share them with guests

and spew out a poem at least

and If I should chortle and choke

I would wash it all down with a coke

as I drown in the drink

the slower I think

and soon I'm a lime-ricky joke

No Regrets???

I spent the afternoon with my mother today to celebrate her 84th birthday and while it was a nice afternoon, it did leave me with some thoughts on aging.  She keeps herself busy with swimming three days a week in addition to being an avid church goer.  She has a small group of friends that she tries to spend time with whenever she can, but as you can imagine, this number is dwindling quickly.  She has raised five children and she is an exceptional role model.  Her thoughtfulness is unmatched.  She never misses an anniversary, birthday, special occasion or opportunity to brighten some one's day.  She is always thinking of others and her compassion for others is unsurpassed. She is the most sincere and genuine person you will ever meet and yet, she lives with much regret. There are things she wishes she had done and things she wishes she could change.  I imagine we all live with some amount of regret, but,as we age, I wonder...

At what point does the tide turn?

When do we go from looking forward to looking back?  Recalling both joyous moments and sorrows with equanimity?

When do the memories we relive become blurred and faded?
When does our opportunistic life cease to be and it's shine become dull and tarnished?
When do we realize there are fewer days ahead of us than there are behind us?
At what point do we stop wanting and start settling?

Is this a natural cycle of life or can we change the tide?
Can we go out on a surf board or must we be strapped in a dinghy?
Can we limit our regrets and grow our expectations?
Can we spend more time being appreciative and enterprising and less time being resigned and disappointed?


I believe each of us will handle aging differently and it will be a personal challenge unlike any we may have faced in our younger years.  Our internal strength, will be the compass that guides us through the rough and difficult waters and our disposition, the looking glass through which we view our world.

No Kodak Moment

If Kodak files for bankruptcy and dissolves, what will become of the phrase "Kodak Moment"? Will it fade from existence like the old photographs that were taken with the old Brownie cameras they sold?   It's too bad they can't copyright that phrase and cash in on it, each time it's used or referenced.  Perhaps that would help payout all those retirees that served them well for so many years.  All those loyal workers who are now in danger of losing their health benefits in retirement.  It's a travesty to think of all those people that served a giant all those years, and now, that giant is going to roll over and crush them.  This is certainly, No Kodak Moment for Kodak.

Whispering Winds

That's the second time I've sat here
as the wind takes hold my door
and swings it open wide
so loud I can't ignore
and when I go to close it
I get a sudden chill
of a presence that engulfs me
and whispers, to be still
It says; "Keep your options open
use a gate to guard your heart
but when the wind decides to take it
accept what it imparts"

Forest of Friends

Friendships don't grow on trees
They require sowing the seeds
that root with caring
develop with nurturing
and bloom with sharing

A forest of friends is never too many
as long as you make time to walk in the woods

Silence is Golden

The rumor mill is powered by jealousy, anger, resentment and ignorance

To stop it's spin, all that's needed is the stillness of silence

STOP!

 One brief moment, one poor decision, and lives are altered forever.  It's as simple as that, but as difficult to fathom, until it truly strikes you.  Today, it struck me.  One unfortunate incident, and the lives of many families are affected. 
Two cars continue driving past a stopped bus with it's stop sign extended and it's flashing lights going.  The first car drives past unscathed, the second hits a young girl as she crosses the street with her sister, to get on the bus.  An entire bus of young children witness the accident, in addition to a nearby bus stop full of children.  The kids are accompanied by parents who hear the young girls' scream, or perhaps it was the scream of her mother or sister as they watch it happen.  In any event, the lives of countless people are affected by this one unfortunate and avoidable accident.  A brief lapse in attention and the driver is now the culprit of a horrific scene.  As we all watch in stunned silence, another gutter-all cry is heard.  Again, we are not sure if it's the child, her parent, or the driver of the car, but one thing is certain, that harrowing sound is resonating in the minds of all who heard it.  The pain is felt to the core of our beings and the agony of the situation lingers in the air. This is a horribly specific example of our need to stop and pay attention to what is in front of us.
There are times when slowing down isn't enough.  There are times, when we all need to STOP!

Sophie's Choice

As many of you may or may not know, my dog Stella has had a very difficult fall.  She tore the ligaments in her hind leg along with her meniscus in her knee. ( This is the equivalent of a human tearing an ACL.)  She had surgery to clean up the knee and a metal plate was installed to stabilize the knee.  The recovery for this was ten weeks of absolutely no activity, WHAT SO EVER.  She endured this limitation, as best an Australian Cattle dog with one good leg can and as soon as she got the okay to start walking again, SNAP, went the other hind leg. So, we underwent another surgery and we are now at the end of another ten week restriction of no activity, but this blog is not about her physical recovery. This blog is about her mental state and the support of her friend, Sophie. 

Sophie is a beautiful Golden Doodle that lives at the foot of our hill and she is Stella's best friend.  When Stella was healthy Sophie would wander up quite frequently to visit Stella, sometimes daily and often for long periods of time.  They'd play for a while or sometimes, just sit at the top of our hill, over looking the neighborhood, content to just be in each others company.  They would each respond to the others' vibes and they know each other as well as two friends covered in fur can know each other.

When Stella tore the first ACL, she tested us with her limitations.  She quickly learned that we would walk her only until she relieved herself and then she was immediately returned indoors.  As smart as she is, she would hold it in, as long as she could, essentially forcing us to walk her, at least a little.  On the occasions that we walked her past Sophie's house, we would see Sophie sitting at her front door, longingly gazing at us, ears perked as if questioning, what's happened to my friend Stella? She looked like a dog in a picture frame, motionless and focused, but with the most sincere concern for a friend you could imagine . She would watch us intently, until we were out of her sight, or at least she was out of our sight, leaving us with this touching, nonverbal gesture, letting us know that Stella is truly, Sophie's Choice. Sophie's owner told me of a few instances when Sophie would sit in the middle of the road refusing to move, looking up at our house as if to say; I'm not going home until I see Stella. Sophie's excursions up to our yard were limited, to avoid, getting Stella excited, but on the occasions when she would come up, Stella could be heard whimpering to go out and visit. She'd hobble around and we would let her out to say a brief hello and that small contact was enough to keep Stella happy for a while.
After Stella's second leg went, her mobility was drastically compromised and as of late, she has had very little drive to move much at all.  Her legs are both weak and the muscles have atrophied significantly, but one thing is a constant, her need, to reconnect with Sophie.  Her dog bed sits in our living room, directly in front of a large, almost floor to ceiling length, double window, giving her a perfect visual of Sophie's house. It is quite often that we will see her sitting on her bed, intently looking out the window at Sophie's house, hoping to catch a glimpse of her wandering up to our house, to offer another visit. The sadness in her eyes, almost tangible.

 As Stella pines away for the days of leisure sitting in the sun with her friend Sophie, we are getting closer to the end of a long and taxing injury that has tried all of our patience.  Twenty weeks of waiting, for a dog, can seem like an eternity but it has reaffirmed Stella's loyalty to her best friend, a friendship that thrives on nothing but a dog's ability to make connections with unconditional fondness. It's been a true test of time and Stella can't wait to see if she's still Sophie's choice.

Tough Love

As we age, do we become more soft or hard?

I believe we become...
more soft to all that touch our heart
and hardened toward all that pierce it
but when the two converge as one,
then tough love is what steers us

No Wizards Required

When life gives us choices do we think about our responses, or are we on auto pilot?  Do we choose what we want, or do we do what we are expected to do?  Do we put any thought into our selections, or are we victims of routine, responding strictly out of habit, schedules or expectations?  When was the last time you shirked a responsibility to be spontaneous? I am not talking about avoiding responsibility out of laziness. (I am the queen of avoidance.)  I'm talking about going away for the weekend and leaving your kids with your husband, even if you know he's not crazy about the idea. I am talking about choosing to play a game with your children and their friends instead of watching them. I'm talking about making brownies because you want them, even though you have cookies and cupcakes already made. It's about doing something entirely for yourself.  It is not about being selfish.  It's about reconnecting with your true self so that you can continue to be sincere with yourself and others, undertaking each endeavor with an open mind, seeing it for what it truly is, in it's purest form.  It's about doing something unexpected, at any age, singing in the rain, sledding with your kids, or conquering a ski jump, despite the fact that you are not a skilled skier. It's about writing a blog and putting yourself out there for everyone to see, even if, at times, you're afraid of what they might see. It's about being authentic and genuine with yourself and those that coincide with your life's path.  It's about following your own yellow brick road and letting it take you to your own Emerald City, no wizards required.

Tech-No

I had a discussion today, with my husband, about down time and how it has changed since we were children. When we were children, kids played outside. Top on the list was street hockey, followed closely by kick the can, capture the flag, hide and seek, kick ball and red rover.  We would spend hours outside playing these street games.  Teams would be comprised of a variety of ages and the end time was determined by the onset of street lights.  We were not street rats, nor were we  derelicts. We were the average, middle class american kid who played in the street, and cared nothing about technology or progressive intellect.  We were children of the present, making the most of what was in front of us.  While we may have had friends across town, we did not find it necessary to involve them in our every waking moment.  We had an  individual identity that allowed us the freedom and diversity to have many varied avenues of interest. We found ways to thrive and prosper that did not involve an internet connection.  We could think for ourselves, and we filled recreational voids with our neighbors. We were forced to interact with a wide spectrum of people.  We learned how to accept each others differences.  We deciphered what it took to get along amicably with many people of varying skills, beliefs and strengths and we learned to value each person's attributes. We mastered the art of enjoyment, without extravagant measures. Technology was a word of limited value in our world.  Wireless meant exactly what it implied, we were not required to be plugged in.  We could roam far and freely without  limitations.  Our world was what we made it.  We did not rely on an outside source to fill our vacuous moments. We were the directors of our own enjoyment.  We required nothing but our imaginations to transport us to our childhood escape. It was a "no tools required", upbringing.  Skype was nonexistent and still, we made it work.  We were our own captains, charting our own course of choice.  We were not scheduled, controlled, or enslaved.  We were creative, imaginative, independent and accepting.  We functioned as our own masters, made choices and learned how to cooperate with a vast and varied team.  Every day involved social skills.  It was a course in leadership, management, and cooperation .  All of these skills are lost in present day childhood . Adults commandeer the child's recreation and if not adults, then some form of technology controls their actions.  What we've gained from this technological advancement is obvious but what we've lost is immeasurable.  We've lost our ability to be basic, simple, uncomplicated children.

Resilience

Resilience is the mainstay of survival

without it we'd all be pretty flat

When a Hand Extends I Crumble

When a hand extends I crumble
I succomb to sympathy
it's touching gesture warms me
through the tears I bearly see
And with the hand that guides me
Through this dark and silent space
It leads me to enlightenment
Where now I claim my fate

Sinking

I am emotionally exhausted
Drained dry
I can not muster a smile or a frown
I am merely present in body
My mind is a cement block, bobbling a top my shoulders
My eyes are weighed down with bags of wet sand
My spirit and soul are weak beyond belief
There is no strength left to hold me above water
Sinking...fast

Bail or Sail

I am two beers in and not a sip closer to knowing what to do

I am at a crossroads

on principal, I should walk

but I love, all that I would be walking away from

I have a goal that would be mitigated, should I walk

I have vested interests that will lose their value, should I sell now

I have a will that will falter, should I give up

I am a voice not heard,

a winning ticket tossed aside

the obvious choice

left behind

what I will be faced with will be difficult, unpleasant, and tiring

exhausting, frustrating and unfair

should I bail, 

or should I sail,

with nothing but a broken mast, and a really strong paddle???

Small Change

Keep your eyes open and your mind receptive
to even the smallest things...
you never know
when the penny you find on the ground
will deliver the change you've needed

Four Years

Four years, I had a discussion with my children today about four years.  Their response, "Four years is a long time Mom".  My reply, "Well, I'm almost fifty, so four years is a tiny snippet of time to me".  Then we started to qualify our opinions.

Connor: In four years I'll be 22. I will have graduated from college and I will be working in my field

Kerrin:  In four years I'll be a sophomore in college

Connor: Four years ago the economy had not spiraled down yet

Kerrin:  Four years ago is a long time, Marge was alive four years ago.

Connor: A lot can happen in four years...

and I started to think, even though four years is a small segment of my life, my world has evolved in the past four years.  Four years ago, I had an energetic puppy. She is now a mature and mellow dog. I also had a freshman in high school and a sixth grader, both of whom were starting new schools that year.  I still went to PTO meetings, parent teacher conferences and volunteered for school field trips, none of which are necessary anymore. Four years ago was the first year I no longer had a connection to the Elementary School. This was an enormous transition year for me. I was no longer the school photographer, taking pictures at every school event.  I was beginning to see myself in a different role with regard to my children. I was becoming less involved in their school lives and they were developing their independence. I believe four years ago was also the first year I stopped having my annual Easter Egg Hunt and the neighborhood stopped having the Holiday Stroll.  I was establishing tennis as my new past time and to support my habit, I went back to work after a fourteen year hiatus.
In the past four years I have seen my parents age, tremendously.  I have had a sister move across the country.  I have gained responsibility for a second home.  I have acquired a third driver and a third car, in addition to the worry and costs that go along with that.  I have seen a turnover with my childrens' friends, some of which saddens me and some of which is a welcome change.  I have discovered that friends are truly forever and there is always room for more. I have encountered my own battle with cancer and I have survived. I have witnessed my remarkable cousin, courageously fighting the horrible stage four cancer that has invaded her world.  The battle she has endured for the past four years has taught me to let things go, laugh as often as possible and compliment others freely.  I have learned to live with less distraction and more simplicity.  Expression is my saving grace and I need very few things in my life.
In four years time, I've learned a lifetime of lessons, so I guess my kids were right...four years is a long time, and with that, I've discovered one more thing, four years ago, I was the one that would have been right

Laugh on

Laughter



Spread it with uninhibited abandon.

So the whole world wants to join in

So that even those not privy to the joke will want a piece of it

Laughing is infectious and that is one contagion we can spread freely

Laugh on

Permanent Markers

I have to laugh at my own intensity.  I can be so introspective and serious, that I think it scares people.  I don't mean to, it's just the way I work. It's how I process things.  I just need to learn how to contain my thoughts and deal with them on my own terms.  I came across a letter I wrote a few years back and I am embarrassed that I sent it.  I actually deal with these people quite often, and now I know why they stear clear of me.  I can be a total nut case, whack job, lunatic!!!  I can laugh about it now, but my actions of the past have had resonating implications for a long time coming.  Man I wish I could clean that slate, or at least color it with a different shade of chalk but I guess I'll have to chalk it up to experience.  Somethings can't be dry earsed, they're written with permanent markers.

Rotten Fruit???

Do you ever wonder why some days , when you work out, you smell worse than other days? Does the odor one eminates', directly correlate to their disposition, because today I smelled like rotten fruit, both during and after my workout, and to be quite honest, it was worse that rotten fruit, it was rancid, sour grapes. If you didn't read yesterday's blog, I'll save you the trouble, it was bitter. I have to think I needed to expel my distemper and as I blew off steam with a rigorous ride, my spoiled mood began to slide. My pent up anger bubbled up and boiled over, escaping through my pores, cleansing my mind and ridding my body of the toxic waste. My apologies to anyone who was forced to endure my offensive odor but I do believe it's gone now. Tomorrow I should be smelling just peachy!!

Forced My Hand To Save My Face

If I leave and must move on
Will others wonder where I've gone
Will smiles spread with stories shared

I hope they know I really cared

And should you see me further on
Just know that I am no one's pawn
I am as real as I portrayed

And had you seen this, I'd have stayed

I did not want to leave this place
But forced my hand to save my face
Unfairness always ends the run

I won't regret what I have done

Not tonight

A sour stomach and a pained brain
A sore calf have left me drained

nitey night Blog

Taking down the Lights

Yes, I took down my outside holiday lights today and I was ready for the task. There is something about cleaning up and moving on that makes me feel accomplished and accomplishment was something I needed today. After the holday week where I spent far too much time dipping in the chocolates, drinking in the spirits and sinking in the sofa, I needed to snap myself out of the slotherly lifesytle I had assumed. Productivity was my only goal and as the day began I was in fear of skirting my only assignment for the day..."To do SOMETHING". Any slight diversion down the wrong path could quickly send me back to the clink of yet another wine glass. I was tested very early on in the day, as I was slated to play tennis for two hours, but 40 minutes in my calf gave out to the added weight I was asking it to carry across the court. One more lunge for a ball and a pop was sure to ensue. Determined to stay on task and not falter for a forkful of fat. I left the court but hit the bike , finding safety in the mere fact that the bike does not require any weight bearing strain on my now soft and feeble extremities. I rode till I dripped and then rode some more, as I hammered out a challenging Sudoku puzzle. The simplest things can make me feel smart. After an intensive stretching session, I was one my way home, but not before I glanced at the courts with envy. If only I hadn't let myself go over the past week, I'd be out there swinging away the weight I'd gained. Damn that donut maker that drew me in. This is when it occured to me, if I clean up what's passed, my future will be brighter, so down came the outside lights, boxed up and put away, along with the bad habits I had acquired, shut off, just like me, ahhhhhh, the symbolism.

New Year~New Gear

Alright, it is the first day of the New Year and I'm on a mission. I have goals and aspirations, nothing too aggressive, but a challenge for myself none the less. I have had plenty of time to think and contemplate my past fourty-nine years. With all that I have endured thus far, it is my hope that 2012 will bring an array of opportunity. A plethora of experiences and endeavors that make me more of the person I want to be. Suprisingly, this has less to do with my outward size and shape and more to do with how I choose to shape my life going forward. The extent and depth of my experiences shall grow with each year of my age and I will not care if my waist size grows in unison. I will no longer be a victim of societies expectations. I will be a true and complete representation of what I want to be. I will expand and enjoy all that brings me pleasure. My family and friends will no longer take a back seat to chores and unneccessary chatter that consumed the shallow and insecure person I was at one time. I will tell people that I care about, that I think of them often and I will do this with regular personal interaction. I will act on thoughts as they occur to me and not "wait until I have more time". The only time I have is now and that is my new years motto. New Year~New Gear, let's kick it up and drive!!!

Happy New Year everyone