Orange Emotions 3/22/10

As we sat at dinner, Kerrin asked, "So you wore orange today"...
A simple question, a bit unusual and so I asked "Why orange"
I could feel the emotive heat eminating from his person,
the uneasiness with what needed to be said
the tension built and then the struggled, broken response..."favorite color"
for the first time in many years, he filled up and cried
the intensity of the hurt, visible, passionate and impactful
we all stopped looking at him and looked at our plates
silence,
but for the weeping he could not control
his sadness was contagious
I too, felt my own emotional temperature gage rise
before I knew it, a tear was invading my dinner plate
a quick glance to see if anyone else noticed
and I saw we were all affected
the words were captive in our throats
balled up and stifling any consolation we could express
as he wept, we grieved with him
nothing could be offered but our universal solemnity
so young to have to experience the passing of a classmate and friend
inexplicable,
he was a good kid with a common disease
complications, coma and then
a single color is worn to show support and hope
for a life that would cease simultaneously,
as the school beemed in orange

Kerrin's Poem- A Rainy Nights Walk

a rainy night can cure anything but security

my breath slid across my face as if it was a cloud covering the last of the light

the patches of trees gave me safety in every step I took

I was holding a leash attached to a timid, and horrified puppy

As the leash was pulled to the direction of my house I let out a sigh of relief

No one was happier than I was

My hair whipped me as if I was in a chase scene in a horror movie

The occassional drips of rain hit the dead grass like bells ringing in a church

The drips left me paranoid to every sound I heard

approaching my house I saw the most beautiful sight of all...

the house lamp post made the dew drop, smothered grass glisten, like the stars above

I look forward to my night walk with Stella every chance I get

3/12/10 I Cried Today

 As the conversation came to a close, I could feel the lump growing, the heat rushing to my face, and then I cried, like an over stimulated child. It was the culmination of a week of varied emotions, stemming from a life of distorted priorities and mindless minutia.  I cried out of sadness.  Sadness that my sister will now be living five hours away by plane.  For so long she has lived a short drive away and yet, I spent so very little time with her.  What was keeping me from committing more of myself to my family?  Why do I constantly have this internal conversation with myself, reprimanding myself for having the wrong priorities and yet I continue to make the same negligent choices. Her last words to me were, "look after everyone here", something  I should not need to be told and yet the words needed to be said. I am frustrated with my inability to learn from experience.  The redudancy of mistakes is enough to drown an elephant and yet, the elephant continues to surface. Frustration adds to the tears I shed in an attempt to drown the elephant once more. I continue to be ignorant of what should command my attention, of what is needed to satisfy and bring reward.  My life is a jumble of scattered seconds, mundane minutes, and unheralded hours that leave me with worthless weeks of time. My responsibility record is negligible while my selfishness is the elephant that dominates my world.

  While I'm crying, I cry out of worry for sick family members, my aging parents and what my life will hold for me when I am an empty nester.  I cry out of fear that I will not be able to live up to expectations, deal with difficult situations or handle loneliness.  I cry out of empathy for the unfortunate, weak and elderly.  I cry for my past youth, health and missed opportunities.  I cry for those I don't find time for and realize just how much I'm missing.  I cry for what I have no control over and what I wish I could change but realize I can't.  I cry for the unfairness of life, the harshness of  loss and the forthcoming heartaches and battles, slated for those I love. I cry out of disappointement in myself and the disappointment my children have only just begun to experience. 
 When I think I am done crying......I cry out of relief and appreciation, that I am fortunate enough to have so much to care about and then.......I smile.

3/8/10 Awe-struck

As I meander down the cliff-side expanse, I anticipate an awakening of the senses
The scenery is breathtaking here, the smell of ocean air emanates from the rocks and trails
I'm told this is the path to take, the rewards are abundant
What I experience is...fixating
I am captivated, encapsulated
I am engrossed and absorbed by the surroundings
The earth encroaches on my path
A trickle of sound and sand
The tapping of pebble on pebble increases ever so slightly
Soon, I am  hearing a rush of sound that intrigues and entices me to stop and digest
The cliff-side comes into view
at first slowly then...
it is before me and I can not move
taunting me with it's close proximity,
As the earth falls, I am consumed with a sense of inevitable suffocation
It's harsh jagged edges slide closer and closer, tormenting me
tearing my skin as it severs my drive
Impairing my progress as I struggle on
battered, stumbling, staggering
Impeded by that which drew me in and courted me
the very thing I yearned for is also my affliction
My broken remains, buried amidst the cool brown earth and hard cold stones
Awe-struck in the worst way