Gulliver's Travels

I am told it is through that which challenges us that we grow...well, I'm feeling like a giant these days...more challenge than I want but I'm willing to grow if it will dwarf the Goliaths I've encountered lately.  Looking to find my Lilliput and live large!

Don't Take My Words ( Complex Migraine - TIA continued)

With eyes closed, the horror continues, the numbness travels and the breathing becomes more labored and frantic. My heart races and I can feel each pulsing course, as it booms through my left side, and then an erratic flutter or jump or something that disrupts the thunderous throbbing.  After a searing pain on my left side of my upper back, my shoulder goes dead...squeeze and release, squeeze and release and waves of heightened intensity ebb and flow leaving me over sensitised and then nothing.  I am asked a question and then it happens, mid sentence the words are sucked from my mouth and for a moment I can not speak.  I hyperventilate and gasp for breath, thinking, DON'T TAKE MY WORDS, and by some grace of GOD, they are given back, but the realization that I may lose them terrifies me.  I am asked to sit up and it takes every ounce of strength to get myself upright.  My body convulses and trembles like a tree losing it leaves during a hurricane.  I can not stop the shaking, but the headache subsides for a brief moment and then it throbs back and the entire flush occurs again, but the numbness comes and goes.  I am still holding on to some feeling on my left side, but it disappears and resurfaces on it's own terms.  I am given oxygen and an IV and it helps calm me down.  The breathing returns to normal and the numbness is now just in my fingers, I continue to squeeze and release believing it is making a difference.  The fear begins to slip away and I start to feel better, almost normal and quite silly for panicking so fiercely, but the episode repeats and subsides in waves of intensity.  When the swell begins, it is the whole build up all over again, and then it surges and dies down.  When all has stopped, I am left to feel foolish and almost embarrassed by my over reaction, but then it returns delivering a new dead zone, my face, my neck, my throat and the fear returns.  Intervals of ear issues accompany the ordeal, some replicate entire pressure, as though I am submerged under water, others are sharp pains in my ear, teeth and somewhere in my head.  Throbbing is present in various parts of my body, my head, my left arm, my neck and my chest and then it subsides to minimal coursing and as I wait, I bounce between thinking this is serious, to this is nothing but a head ache.  It is the most conflicting experience I have ever endured and when I am told this is either a mini stroke or a complex migraine, I have never, in my life, prayed for a migraine more intently.

Complex Migraine or TIA?

It began with pulsating intensity, a throbbing head, to the  point I believed it was visible  and producing a bobbing head atop my shoulders.  I must lie down, my only thought.  Once prone, the pressure intensifies, I am unable to move, nausea arrives and then the motion, violent spinning and swirling much like an amusement park ride, but utterly alarming. I tremble even as I write this, reliving the horror.  Strobe lights join the frenzy, rapid flashes burn my closed eyes.  A rush of cool heat floods my head.  The hair stands on end, sharp enough to pierce my pillow and then a flush of, Novocaine like numb, starts to wave through the back of my head.  My fingertips on my left side feel the pin pricks my head encountered first and then the numbness spreads up my hand to my forearm.  I am the recipient of intermittent pins and needles alternating with numbness.  I clench my fist and as I clench and release my left hand, it strikes me.  I am having a stroke, but wait I can't have a stroke, I won't let this happen, I refuse to accept my fate.  The clenching and releasing continues and I realize it mirrors what is running through my mind.  I am grasping and clawing to hold on to my life as it has always been.  Rapid breathing overwhelms me and I am struggling to stay conscious, to remain aware, to simply stay.  No matter how much I try to alter what is happening, this is beyond my control.  I can not stop this, I have no power, I am weak, numb and powerless.  Is this really happening, or am I dreaming and I'll awaken from the nightmare, once this excruciating headache stops pounding out it's mantra.  Strobe lights, dizzy, weak and I'm scared, keep the eyes closed, this is not really happening....

Smothering Amelioration

Accepting our own shortcomings is a prerequisite for a breakthrough toward extensive enhancement,
If we refuse to see our flaws, then we are nothing but a stubborn fool, smothering amelioration

Over the Top- Under the Radar

I have always been one of those people that has a slight affinity for individualism.  I love to be different than the masses, but there is a delicate balance between standing out and being odd, the later of which has no appeal to me.  In order to make an impact, I find myself a tiny bit obsessed with creativity and I may be guilty of going a little bit over the top.  This only happens when I find myself  directing a project or predominantly in control of the end result.  I am not one to take over and dictate, but I am one to volunteer when I feel I have the creative drive to generate something impactful. Everything I do becomes, to some extent, a personal extension of myself, yet I  am not comfortable being the center of attention.  If I sprinkle each event with just enough of a twist, it allows me to stand out for a brief moment and then recede back into obscurity.  It gives me a sense of achievement while also allowing me to keep my image nebulous.  A rather interesting dynamic, flamboyant  flare flying under the radar.  It's a balancing act and lately I've had a great deal of time to think about how crucial balance is in our lives.  Perfecting equipoise however it strikes me.

Echo

Be an echo ~ spread and touch the world

Shoe Challenge

Meeting a challenge is like finding the perfect pair of shoes 

                                                                                  ~ you still have to master the walk

Love Bud

Love is not measured or weighed
it is an intangible that requires nothing
but a little time to blossom

Say What?

If I continue to force myself to write something every day, will I eventually find what I want to say?

Which Wood?

The clear cut mind mills a trees' wood into a fence with straightforward lines and a precision that generates a perfect pen of limited diversity
The creative mind resembles an aged tree with an extensive network of limbs and branches stretching and twisting to yield an individual and unique vision

A mind's varied path is a good indicator of how broad one can think

Which wood are you?

Bounce Back

When we celebrate confidence
we also need bouncers, to stop self doubt from crashing the party

Gun Powder - Pixie Dust

I read a friends blog the other day and it was all about mobs and being a part of an organized group.(http://www.sallylucywrites.com/2012/04/notes-from-the-cottage-get-mobbed-its-fun/)  I loved the story but it made me a bit sad.  It made me realize I've spent 49 years on this earth and I have no mob to speak of.  I am not a part of anything.  I do not actively participate in any groups or organizations and I have nothing to show for myself as far as community involvement.  I am horrified to think I've lead such a sheltered and isolated existence, offering no value or assistance to anyone. 

I was not always so far removed, but it has become a learned behavior.  I do not want to be responsible for anything other than my own family.  I do not want to be the bridge that falters or the transport that fails.  I have enough relying on my shelter without expanding my campground.  I am a pop tent not an RV and I know my limitations, yet I feel selfish and negligent.  I am capable of more, but I fear I am a failure and disappointment, among an army of soldiers that have me beat in the fields of courage, purpose and selflessness.  I do not want to be the failure that had all the tools but none of the focus.   What keeps me from being the soldier that doesn't need to fight but chooses to anyway, out of a sense of honour and dignity?  It is an unknown factor, that I continue to search for with each entry in my blog.

One of these posts will be the rifle that fires me up and sets me off on my life's mission, but until it gets loaded, I'll keep writing and sprinkling my pixie dust print until the big guns are found.

Target Practice

if we imply something
it is never truly received until we draw a bulls eye
shooting around the target is a misguided arrow
that can cause great harm if left in the wrong hands

Sometime

Sometime

the best gift is sharing

just that

Funny?

If everything were fun would we all be smiling
or would our desire for enjoyment recalibrate to a higher level
requiring an increasingly more extreme whack to the funny bone?

Still Frame

Courage is a state of mind
Confidence is a frame of mind
Uncertainty is a still frame, that states nothing

Saving the Worms

We've had a good amount of rain in the past few days and while others are dismal to see this weather, it brings back fond memories for me.  When my daughter Kerrin was very young, maybe 6 or 7, she created a wonderful rainy day memory for me.  As we would take the short walk down to the bus stop, and the streets were damp and slick, she would make intermittent stops along the way, to save the worms, (you know all those worms that mysteriously appear on the pavement after a good deal of rain)   Well, Kerrin would stoop and pick up each one and move it off the pavement to the grass.  She was determined to rescue them from a horrible death by traffic, whether by foot or car.  As she was scurrying down the street, she would shout, "We have to save the worms!", and she did her best to rescue as many as she could before the bus came.  Often, she would end up sprinting to the bus to catch it before it left.  Many more worms were in need of saving, but her time had run out.  Every rainy day, when I walk the streets and see all those worms strewn about the pavement, I think about all those worms Kerrin saved all those years ago.  All those fortunate worms that had someone looking after them.
 It got me thinking about the similarities to my own life and the life of any parent, guardian, or caretaker.  We are there to help our children succeed, steer them in the right direction, and watch over them until they are successfully on their own.  We are their sole saviors for a long time, until they find their own patch of grass, to build their own futures and then we are more, a fond memory than we are a necessity. My life is proceeding toward the second phase of this cycle much faster than I am ready for.  Much like Kerrin, I wish I had more time, but the bus is already turning the corner and I can't keep it waiting.  My oldest child is already on the grass and he's ventured on to find the perfect spot to burrow down.  My second child is in my hand, but wiggling out toward the freedom  of the turf as well.  I have done my job steering them clear of dangers and keeping them safe.  Their  success is now more in their hands than it is in mine.  They've meandered their way toward a safe and secure future and the hand that saved them, is a fond memory that is no longer able to contain their will.  I've resigned myself to the prospect of all of us, turning toward a new landscape, that delivers a brighter more independent glade, with rich soil, to harbor as many worms as we can gather.  Saving worms never sounded more appealing!

Pendulum's Imprint

My expression ebbs and flows with my mood
My topics are a direct reflection of what stirs my mood, what has touched me, or what provokes me
Whether it is a personal experience or one I am witness to
My blog is like a pendulum and with each swaying motion, it scratches out a new entry,imprinting another layer beneath the surface of my existence

Life's Spin Cycle

Life's spin cycle

With the slowing revolutions comes a tempered existence
of thankful caution making way for moderate progression

until the force builds
with expansive adventure leading toward oblivious aggression

and then the next convulsion starts
delivering another dose of vertigo

Life's spin cycle,

where we forget how difficult our past was
until we find ourselves coming full circle and reliving the nightmare

Meet, Greet, and Swallow

Once you find fear and greet it,
it loses it's edge and becomes a softer pill to swallow

Plod On

When we don't like what's in front of us
Where do we go?
What course do we take?
Do we go back, go around, or plod through?
If we go back, we are allowing the obstacle to win
If we go around, we are only avoiding the inevitable, circumventing for a time, until the next hurdle stalls our course
Plodding through is a life lesson in perseverance,
So get muddy and plod on

Personal Charting

Choosing the hard road is unconventional and turbulent
but when the course is laid and the path cleared
it is a personal victory that only the cartographer can lay claim to

Picture your own path and find yourself

Fall Back Plan

At that moment
when you know the fall is coming
yet you can't brace yourself because you're paralyzed with fear
you learn to swallow your pride
and accept the out stretched hand
that is there to catch you

It's always been there to cushion the collapse
you just never thought you needed a fall back plan

The Selfless Win

The selfish may have the biggest trophy
but the selfless have the biggest badge of honour

Hazy Head

My hazy head has left me
Floating in a fog
I'm gonna have to skip
Writing in this blog