1/29/10 observations

Pompous people who glorify their grandeur only end up alienating themselves
If they would stop and look around 
they would see the distance growing with each self aggrandizement
but of course, 
they are too self absorbed to notice the only audience they have is themselves

1/28/10 Driver's Seat

Today my oldest child got his driver's license and it hit me hard.  He's growing up and becoming more independent.  I can't help but reflect on the many milestones he has passed.  The same accomplishments every parent wills their child to master; speech, walking, reading, some of the more significant, but each parent's life is peppered with proud moments that stir mixed emotions of joy and sorrow in the same sweep.
How do we allow them to grow but keep them young?

I can still recall his first bus ride to kindergarten and how much I wanted it for him and yet, I cried. As the bus pulled away, I was left with an indelible vision of his profile in the window as the bus moved on.  Would he turn and look for me or had he already forgotten I was there?

This conflict of wanting him to venture and experience life, but wanting to maintain my importance to him, continues to be a struggle.  As another landmark is passed and he launches into new territory, I am less his Sherpa and more the excess"baggage" he no longer needs.  This is a milestone for him, that he 's been anticipating since he was five.  Today, once again, I was left with the lasting impression of his profile in the window of a moving vehicle, much like his first bus ride in kindergarten, only, when he was five he turned to look at me... this time there was no turning back. 

He's on his way and he's in the driver's seat.

1/27/10 revelation

If you're too busy looking forward,

you miss the present

and your future suffers the consequences.

1/26/10 sleeping giant

Have you ever gone through a spot of time when you are truly, just plain irritable? You say and do things that surprise even you. You know this isn't the way you typically interact and yet, you can't stop yourself. All this mean spirited, angry verbiage comes spewing out and even as you say the words, you know you should stop, but you can't??? Man, am I having an awful time ridding myself of this, "hair across my ass" disposition. I hate the way I am behaving, I am embarrassed by my own actions. I can not shake this negative attitude. I know I am so lucky to have all the good fortune I've been given. I wonder if the things I think I am doing for my health are actually the reasons for my change in attitude. Can it be that something that should be good for me is really quite the opposite? Am I not capable of sorting through my emotions in a mature manor and presenting myself in a thoughtful and respectable way. Am I really just a spoiled adult who never learned how to handle confrontational challenges. Can I possibly go back to the way I was before I started acting like a raving imbecile? I've woken the sleeping giant and now he's an insomniac!!! What will it take to pacify him?

The process of writing usually tranquilizes my moods and helps me work through difficulties but that doesn't seem to be the case right now. So, I guess I need to give myself permission to be unhappy. Allow myself to be imperfect and wrong at times. Give myself the "green light" to be green with envy. Accept that I can be cranky and agitated and while it may make me less approachable or enjoyable, it also makes me human.

1/25/10 - Gas Gauge

An emotionally charged disposition can be the fuel that generates a driven response;
it can also be the deterrent that stalls one's progress.
Learning how to inject one's passion into each maneuver without flooding the engine is the trick to attaining a smooth ride.
Gun the gas and it may backfire!

1/23/10 thoughts

As my family and I drove up the highway today, we saw a hawk flying alongside the highway, just a few feet off the ground and a few feet away from the traffic and it got me thinking about life from a different perspective. Was the hawk feeling challenged by the cars as they sped past? It almost appeared as though he was racing the car next to him. He glanced to his left and seemed to narrow his body trying to make himself more aerodynamic. It was really quite odd as he pierced the air and seemed to be focused on an ultimate goal. This minor observation, got me thinking about goals in general and how all of us approach them differently. Some of us procrastinate and take our time getting there, while others hastily speed through with little regard for what it means to go from one point to another. Our focus is on the end and we miss all the sights along the way. The ideal balance would be, when we take our time getting there, savor the process and ultimately appreciate the finale. This allows us to truly absorb the variety. We see things for their respective diversity and accept all that makes everything unique. If we savor the process we learn to work at various levels of intensity. We gain an understanding of how to gauge how much is needed and when it is necessary to push ourselves or pull back and re-assess. The goal, in turn merely brings us to a temporary resting place where we adjust to a new level of competency and then look toward further perseverance. A perpetual rotation that allows for constant reward and challenge within each revolution.

A Very Simple Pen

If I can write words, on a very simple page
and these words can prompt reaction and emotion - set the stage
If you can give me paper and a very simple pen
I have found poetry, to be my closest friend
It is with me in the night, when I find I can not sleep
when my thoughts and concerns and my worries will not keep
It sees me through the times when my mind is a mess
I organize my feelings and with paper I confess
and though I may not show it when you see me passing by
with the ink in my pen, many tears I do cry
If only with my paper and my simple pen in hand
I could solve the problems of this very troubled land
If pen could bring peace I would cover the world with ink
and if poetry brought kindness - all in rhyme I would think

2/19/09 writing - revised

With the good- the bad- and the ugly
Comes the balance of mediocrity
Never settle for anything

less

Sometimes it doesn't get any better than average