8/4/10 Losing "it"

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, you just don't have it, and by it I mean, whatever it is you need to have to succeed?  I just didn't have it today and I couldn't find it and after a time, I gave up trying to find it.  Yes, today I gave up, quit, handed someone else, what I started the day wanting.  It's a horrible feeling to know I didn't give my best effort today.  I didn't try to figure out what needed to be altered and as I sit here typing away, sweating in this umbearable humidity, drinking my glass of wine, I am pissed off at myself, disgusted with my disinterest, ambivalence and lack of drive.  Where has it gone???  I used to care deeply. I would work myself hard and intense and yet, my execution today was deplorable.  I had am attitude I am ashamed to say, that I just didn't care.  Those who don't care, don't succeed and I joined the ranks of that less than desirable group today.  Those who quit without trying are cowhards.  They are afraid to fail while trying,  afraid to face the fact that their best might be less than perfect, but by failing to try, I have given away a piece of myself that I can never get back. I gave away my self respect and for that I am sad.

8/3/10 Uninspired

As I sit here with my laptop on my lap and the lights in my face
I think...
Is this the best use of my time?
Could I be anymore sedentary?
Is this really what I want to do?
Does this make me feel accomplished, at anything?
Can't I do something more inviting ?
Why have I been so solemn lately?
Could it have anything to do with the direction, or lack thereof, that my life seems to have taken?
I've allowed myself to fall into this void of unending, mundane isolation
I waste my energy and thoughts on the unimportant, while there is an enormous mountain of purpose waiting for me and yet, I continue to avoid validating anything other than the ridiculously petty thoughts that keep me from activating my potential
I can be so much more significant in my existence and yet I choose to continue to be an insignificant nomad that wonders the depths on my own mind
Resulting, in yet another uninspired post in this blog

7/18/10 - A letter to Connor

Before you could speak, I sang lullabies to you, filling your mind with the serenity and peace, I wished would fill your days
When you were new to walking, I would bring you to the beach and do hand stands for you, to show you there is more than one way to walk.
As you began to explore the world, I introduced you to what I knew and remained open to your new adventures
As you began to understand, I challenged you with the unknown so you would continue to strive for more
As you began to interact with others, I encouraged respecting diversity, so you would learn to see the qualities each individual has to offer
As you began to express yourself, I listened closely, so you would learn the value of a good ear
As your judge of character developed, I trusted your choices, to show you the importance of making your own decisions
As you continued to learn, I invited a variety of mediums, in order for you to find what brings you pleasure
When you started to expand beyond my world, I instilled traditions that would remind you of your roots
As your future unfolds and you discover your mentors, I hope you've found your family, to offer, your first good examples
As you move on, I encourage making memories, that will forever, be well worth revisting

7/29/10 - Reality's Connundrum

choices - the choices we make are a direct reflection of who we are and what we value
preference -our preferences are what we would like to see, but are not always, fully realized
our reality is what is intended for us, regardless of what we prefer to choose

7/16/10 Hide & Peek

I was hiding...
not intentionally hiding, but tucked away
and when it became apparent that no one knew where I was
I did not speak up
So I guess I was more, "removed" than hiding
There was no fear of being found
I did not feel that anxious, excitement that you experience when you hide and don't want to be found
I was actually right there,
within earshot, but no one thought to look behind the predominanty shut door
it's hinge leaving it open ever so slighty,
enough to hear

Have you ever wondered what it's like when you're gone?
Have you ever thought about how things transpire when you are not there?
What people say and do when you are not around?
How your presence impacts and influences events?

I heard things
Things I did not like, harsh words. terse words, cruelty within earshot
and I did not move,
I did not stir to defend or speak up
I stayed where I was and thought...
I like the world better when I'm in it

6/30/10 Times Are Changing

The initial response to change..... fear of the unknown, resistance and pause
The second response to change.... anxiety, anticipation and enthusiasm
The ultimate benefit from change.... the growth that results from the progression

Grey Hare

At what point do I stop?  When is it time to come to grips with who I am?   When will I accept my shortcomings, my lack of initiative and drive to "appear" a certain way?   When will I have the strength to let nature run it's course without feeling as though I need to present a false facade?  I am a mature adult who no longer needs the mirrors' reflection to portray something I wish I was.  I've spent the better part of my life wishing for a thinner body, better teeth and vibrant hair.  What I've lost in my pursuit for superficial splendor is the person I am. 
I am proud of my ability to run down tennis balls on a singles court.  I like the fact that I spend more time thinking, than I do watching.  I love the fact that my favorite book is a thesaurus!  I am deeply affected by that which affects others, so much so, that I often can't sleep until I process my feelings through words.  The color of my hair should not represent anything more than what it is.  Yes, my hair has develpoed a grey aura, but it merely means I've aged, as we all do.  The ritualistic coloring of my hair, does not make me any younger.  It actually ages me more.  It has become one more appointment I need to maintain and with increasing regularity.  It has begun to impinge on my free time, giving me less time for "me" and more time requiring me to become something I am not. 
I'd much rather spend more time running on a tennis court than having my hair colored, so from now on...I'm happy to be a grey hare!