As we sat at dinner, Kerrin asked, "So you wore orange today"...
A simple question, a bit unusual and so I asked "Why orange"
I could feel the emotive heat eminating from his person,
the uneasiness with what needed to be said
the tension built and then the struggled, broken response..."favorite color"
for the first time in many years, he filled up and cried
the intensity of the hurt, visible, passionate and impactful
we all stopped looking at him and looked at our plates
silence,
but for the weeping he could not control
his sadness was contagious
I too, felt my own emotional temperature gage rise
before I knew it, a tear was invading my dinner plate
a quick glance to see if anyone else noticed
and I saw we were all affected
the words were captive in our throats
balled up and stifling any consolation we could express
as he wept, we grieved with him
nothing could be offered but our universal solemnity
so young to have to experience the passing of a classmate and friend
inexplicable,
he was a good kid with a common disease
complications, coma and then
a single color is worn to show support and hope
for a life that would cease simultaneously,
as the school beemed in orange
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Kerrin's Poem- A Rainy Nights Walk
a rainy night can cure anything but security
my breath slid across my face as if it was a cloud covering the last of the light
the patches of trees gave me safety in every step I took
I was holding a leash attached to a timid, and horrified puppy
As the leash was pulled to the direction of my house I let out a sigh of relief
No one was happier than I was
My hair whipped me as if I was in a chase scene in a horror movie
The occassional drips of rain hit the dead grass like bells ringing in a church
The drips left me paranoid to every sound I heard
approaching my house I saw the most beautiful sight of all...
the house lamp post made the dew drop, smothered grass glisten, like the stars above
I look forward to my night walk with Stella every chance I get
Friday, March 12, 2010
3/12/10 I Cried Today
As the conversation came to a close, I could feel the lump growing, the heat rushing to my face, and then I cried, like an over stimulated child. It was the culmination of a week of varied emotions, stemming from a life of distorted priorities and mindless minutia. I cried out of sadness. Sadness that my sister will now be living five hours away by plane. For so long she has lived a short drive away and yet, I spent so very little time with her. What was keeping me from committing more of myself to my family? Why do I constantly have this internal conversation with myself, reprimanding myself for having the wrong priorities and yet I continue to make the same negligent choices. Her last words to me were, "look after everyone here", something I should not need to be told and yet the words needed to be said. I am frustrated with my inability to learn from experience. The redudancy of mistakes is enough to drown an elephant and yet, the elephant continues to surface. Frustration adds to the tears I shed in an attempt to drown the elephant once more. I continue to be ignorant of what should command my attention, of what is needed to satisfy and bring reward. My life is a jumble of scattered seconds, mundane minutes, and unheralded hours that leave me with worthless weeks of time. My responsibility record is negligible while my selfishness is the elephant that dominates my world.
While I'm crying, I cry out of worry for sick family members, my aging parents and what my life will hold for me when I am an empty nester. I cry out of fear that I will not be able to live up to expectations, deal with difficult situations or handle loneliness. I cry out of empathy for the unfortunate, weak and elderly. I cry for my past youth, health and missed opportunities. I cry for those I don't find time for and realize just how much I'm missing. I cry for what I have no control over and what I wish I could change but realize I can't. I cry for the unfairness of life, the harshness of loss and the forthcoming heartaches and battles, slated for those I love. I cry out of disappointement in myself and the disappointment my children have only just begun to experience.
When I think I am done crying......I cry out of relief and appreciation, that I am fortunate enough to have so much to care about and then.......I smile.
While I'm crying, I cry out of worry for sick family members, my aging parents and what my life will hold for me when I am an empty nester. I cry out of fear that I will not be able to live up to expectations, deal with difficult situations or handle loneliness. I cry out of empathy for the unfortunate, weak and elderly. I cry for my past youth, health and missed opportunities. I cry for those I don't find time for and realize just how much I'm missing. I cry for what I have no control over and what I wish I could change but realize I can't. I cry for the unfairness of life, the harshness of loss and the forthcoming heartaches and battles, slated for those I love. I cry out of disappointement in myself and the disappointment my children have only just begun to experience.
When I think I am done crying......I cry out of relief and appreciation, that I am fortunate enough to have so much to care about and then.......I smile.
Monday, March 8, 2010
3/8/10 Awe-struck
As I meander down the cliff-side expanse, I anticipate an awakening of the senses
The scenery is breathtaking here, the smell of ocean air emanates from the rocks and trails
I'm told this is the path to take, the rewards are abundant
What I experience is...fixating
I am captivated, encapsulated
I am engrossed and absorbed by the surroundings
The earth encroaches on my path
A trickle of sound and sand
The tapping of pebble on pebble increases ever so slightly
Soon, I am hearing a rush of sound that intrigues and entices me to stop and digest
The cliff-side comes into view
at first slowly then...
it is before me and I can not move
taunting me with it's close proximity,
As the earth falls, I am consumed with a sense of inevitable suffocation
It's harsh jagged edges slide closer and closer, tormenting me
tearing my skin as it severs my drive
Impairing my progress as I struggle on
battered, stumbling, staggering
Impeded by that which drew me in and courted me
the very thing I yearned for is also my affliction
My broken remains, buried amidst the cool brown earth and hard cold stones
Awe-struck in the worst way
The scenery is breathtaking here, the smell of ocean air emanates from the rocks and trails
I'm told this is the path to take, the rewards are abundant
What I experience is...fixating
I am captivated, encapsulated
I am engrossed and absorbed by the surroundings
The earth encroaches on my path
A trickle of sound and sand
The tapping of pebble on pebble increases ever so slightly
Soon, I am hearing a rush of sound that intrigues and entices me to stop and digest
The cliff-side comes into view
at first slowly then...
it is before me and I can not move
taunting me with it's close proximity,
As the earth falls, I am consumed with a sense of inevitable suffocation
It's harsh jagged edges slide closer and closer, tormenting me
tearing my skin as it severs my drive
Impairing my progress as I struggle on
battered, stumbling, staggering
Impeded by that which drew me in and courted me
the very thing I yearned for is also my affliction
My broken remains, buried amidst the cool brown earth and hard cold stones
Awe-struck in the worst way
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Stretching
Okay, anyone who has had a physical injury, by default, has learned the importance of stretching. It alleviate's the tension that builds up in the muscles during intense workouts. The more a muscle is worked the tighter and more compact it becomes. Stretching elongates the muscles and allows respite.
Similarly, when we exercise our brains and we delve further into a topic, tension builds and our minds expand.
Failure to adhere to the importance of stretching either type of muscle, leaves us stiff in stature and rigid in thought.
Similarly, when we exercise our brains and we delve further into a topic, tension builds and our minds expand.
Failure to adhere to the importance of stretching either type of muscle, leaves us stiff in stature and rigid in thought.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
2/23/10 A Line is Drawn
The impact of a line drawn in the sand
far exceeds it's visual physicality
It matters not, whether it is drawn softly or harshly
what appears to be easily erasable
leaves an indelible mark that long withstands the currents' force
Even as the shore appears to be smooth
remnants remain
far exceeds it's visual physicality
It matters not, whether it is drawn softly or harshly
what appears to be easily erasable
leaves an indelible mark that long withstands the currents' force
Even as the shore appears to be smooth
remnants remain
Saturday, February 13, 2010
2/13/10 - 2/14/10 - Plain Truth
I have always been a rather unremarkable person, very simple in my appearance, not particularly athletic, and utterly ordinary in my existence. I have maintained the national averages in most regards. My endeavors have kept me within the boundaries of typical. I have not ventured far on the map of adventure nor have I extended my global limits. I am currently working a part-time job at a gym and I have come to realize that what I can do, is be exceptional at being ordinary.
Working the front desk at a family gym, that is relatively inexpensive gives me a window into average America. While the gym does have it's smattering of "celebrity" members, these are very few. What I have come to notice is, that it takes all kinds, to make humanity. I am on a first name basis with the most diverse collection of people I could ever imagine. I have grown to apprecaite eveything this job brings me.
Here is some of what I've learned:
I used to see the elderly as sad, lonely people. Now I see them as kind, experienced souls that are happy with a smile and a brief conversation. They have worlds of experiences to share and I am lucky enough to be the recipient of some of their life lessons.
I used to envy the young and fit and now I see, they are filling their social voids with empty gym time that continues to leave them alone and unhappy.
Many of the families that come to the gym merely see it, as their escape from the kids. A way to fill time they don't know how to fill on their own. We are there to serve them and we should know what they want and how they want it. They exude an air of entitlement that transfers down to their children. When their offspring become old enough to be on their own (and for many that is the ripe old age of ...8), they also walk the halls as though we are their servants, demanding this or that and expecting immediate service. They pay for nothing and are appalled when asked to wait.....for anything.
There are the truly physically disabled that inspire me every day. The cross they bear would be crushing to most, yet they soldier on, not knowing how else to conduct themselves. They are happy with the simplest of accomplishments and rarely discouraged with their lot in life. They work, even when they are pedaling backwards, because in their minds, at least they are pedaling.
There are those recovering... from an illness, injury, or the travesties of life. They need the gym to return, maintain or improve their health and that is how they view it. It is their tool to get them to where they want to be and they'll do whatever is necessary to get them there.
I can not forget the youth, that have no idea that 10-15-20 years down the road, what they are doing now, will no longer be what defines them, nor will it be as easy as it currently is. The skills, time and fitness they currently possess, will soon elude them to a life of aging, commitments, demands and obligations, they could never imagine would take priority.
There are the middle aged who use their age as an excuse for being inadequate while they grapple with remnants of their prior selves. They are not yet ready to concede to the realities of their stage in life, so they struggle to be what they once were, or what they once aspired to be, unable to accept that they have passed their "prime" and need to accept their "medial" stage in life.
I can not forget those that use the gym as their social life. Of these, there are two types; the first are the desperately lonely that will carry on a conversation with anyone that glances their way. Once in their snare it is a long slow process of removal from the situation. A polite escape is impossible, abrupt and quick action is the only alternative. They grasp onto anyone, with a longing sadness similar to a widowed swan aching for it's life long mate. The front desk staff are often a captive audience that has no option but to patiently listen and wait for interruption. The other type are the silently sad. One sincere look into there eyes and you can see their souls weeping for companionship yet they would never burden others with their affliction. They wait and hope to find someone to fill the void but are not particularly proactive in their efforts. These are the hardest people to watch. Few people will take on the daunting task of befriending an unfulfilled, painfully shy person.
Finally, there are the "regulars". All of whom have an addiction to their routine. Whether it is for their own benefit or not, they are the committed, dedicated constants that are the backbone of the gym. They are athletes that travel the world in search of the next race. They are the parents, proudly supporting their children in physical prowess. They are the adults and youth perfecting their sport, fitness or strength. Some are onions with incredible stories and depth, while others are average people conducting themselves in simple pleasure, enjoying the most basic moments. They are content with the present and take each day as it comes.
Perhaps this is where I come in. I have come to see how truly average I have been throughout my life and I am content with that. I have done, no more and no less than expected. I have been able to smile and laugh daily, whether it was at myself or at a situation. I am a happy soul who brings happiness to those around me. I try to enjoy every moment I can. I experience life events with all the passion I can stir within myself. I am a truly empathetic and kind person who tries to find the good in others regardless of their glaring flaws.
Working the front desk at a family gym, that is relatively inexpensive gives me a window into average America. While the gym does have it's smattering of "celebrity" members, these are very few. What I have come to notice is, that it takes all kinds, to make humanity. I am on a first name basis with the most diverse collection of people I could ever imagine. I have grown to apprecaite eveything this job brings me.
Here is some of what I've learned:
I used to see the elderly as sad, lonely people. Now I see them as kind, experienced souls that are happy with a smile and a brief conversation. They have worlds of experiences to share and I am lucky enough to be the recipient of some of their life lessons.
I used to envy the young and fit and now I see, they are filling their social voids with empty gym time that continues to leave them alone and unhappy.
Many of the families that come to the gym merely see it, as their escape from the kids. A way to fill time they don't know how to fill on their own. We are there to serve them and we should know what they want and how they want it. They exude an air of entitlement that transfers down to their children. When their offspring become old enough to be on their own (and for many that is the ripe old age of ...8), they also walk the halls as though we are their servants, demanding this or that and expecting immediate service. They pay for nothing and are appalled when asked to wait.....for anything.
There are the truly physically disabled that inspire me every day. The cross they bear would be crushing to most, yet they soldier on, not knowing how else to conduct themselves. They are happy with the simplest of accomplishments and rarely discouraged with their lot in life. They work, even when they are pedaling backwards, because in their minds, at least they are pedaling.
There are those recovering... from an illness, injury, or the travesties of life. They need the gym to return, maintain or improve their health and that is how they view it. It is their tool to get them to where they want to be and they'll do whatever is necessary to get them there.
I can not forget the youth, that have no idea that 10-15-20 years down the road, what they are doing now, will no longer be what defines them, nor will it be as easy as it currently is. The skills, time and fitness they currently possess, will soon elude them to a life of aging, commitments, demands and obligations, they could never imagine would take priority.
There are the middle aged who use their age as an excuse for being inadequate while they grapple with remnants of their prior selves. They are not yet ready to concede to the realities of their stage in life, so they struggle to be what they once were, or what they once aspired to be, unable to accept that they have passed their "prime" and need to accept their "medial" stage in life.
I can not forget those that use the gym as their social life. Of these, there are two types; the first are the desperately lonely that will carry on a conversation with anyone that glances their way. Once in their snare it is a long slow process of removal from the situation. A polite escape is impossible, abrupt and quick action is the only alternative. They grasp onto anyone, with a longing sadness similar to a widowed swan aching for it's life long mate. The front desk staff are often a captive audience that has no option but to patiently listen and wait for interruption. The other type are the silently sad. One sincere look into there eyes and you can see their souls weeping for companionship yet they would never burden others with their affliction. They wait and hope to find someone to fill the void but are not particularly proactive in their efforts. These are the hardest people to watch. Few people will take on the daunting task of befriending an unfulfilled, painfully shy person.
Finally, there are the "regulars". All of whom have an addiction to their routine. Whether it is for their own benefit or not, they are the committed, dedicated constants that are the backbone of the gym. They are athletes that travel the world in search of the next race. They are the parents, proudly supporting their children in physical prowess. They are the adults and youth perfecting their sport, fitness or strength. Some are onions with incredible stories and depth, while others are average people conducting themselves in simple pleasure, enjoying the most basic moments. They are content with the present and take each day as it comes.
Perhaps this is where I come in. I have come to see how truly average I have been throughout my life and I am content with that. I have done, no more and no less than expected. I have been able to smile and laugh daily, whether it was at myself or at a situation. I am a happy soul who brings happiness to those around me. I try to enjoy every moment I can. I experience life events with all the passion I can stir within myself. I am a truly empathetic and kind person who tries to find the good in others regardless of their glaring flaws.
We are all born with intentional skills and purpose. It is each person's goal to discover their gift and share it. My gift...
A simple smile - kindness - a sympathetic ear
of ordinary stature - but a heart that's meant to share
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