3/12/10 I Cried Today

 As the conversation came to a close, I could feel the lump growing, the heat rushing to my face, and then I cried, like an over stimulated child. It was the culmination of a week of varied emotions, stemming from a life of distorted priorities and mindless minutia.  I cried out of sadness.  Sadness that my sister will now be living five hours away by plane.  For so long she has lived a short drive away and yet, I spent so very little time with her.  What was keeping me from committing more of myself to my family?  Why do I constantly have this internal conversation with myself, reprimanding myself for having the wrong priorities and yet I continue to make the same negligent choices. Her last words to me were, "look after everyone here", something  I should not need to be told and yet the words needed to be said. I am frustrated with my inability to learn from experience.  The redudancy of mistakes is enough to drown an elephant and yet, the elephant continues to surface. Frustration adds to the tears I shed in an attempt to drown the elephant once more. I continue to be ignorant of what should command my attention, of what is needed to satisfy and bring reward.  My life is a jumble of scattered seconds, mundane minutes, and unheralded hours that leave me with worthless weeks of time. My responsibility record is negligible while my selfishness is the elephant that dominates my world.

  While I'm crying, I cry out of worry for sick family members, my aging parents and what my life will hold for me when I am an empty nester.  I cry out of fear that I will not be able to live up to expectations, deal with difficult situations or handle loneliness.  I cry out of empathy for the unfortunate, weak and elderly.  I cry for my past youth, health and missed opportunities.  I cry for those I don't find time for and realize just how much I'm missing.  I cry for what I have no control over and what I wish I could change but realize I can't.  I cry for the unfairness of life, the harshness of  loss and the forthcoming heartaches and battles, slated for those I love. I cry out of disappointement in myself and the disappointment my children have only just begun to experience. 
 When I think I am done crying......I cry out of relief and appreciation, that I am fortunate enough to have so much to care about and then.......I smile.