Have you ever gone through a spot of time when you are truly, just plain irritable? You say and do things that surprise even you. You know this isn't the way you typically interact and yet, you can't stop yourself. All this mean spirited, angry verbiage comes spewing out and even as you say the words, you know you should stop, but you can't??? Man, am I having an awful time ridding myself of this, "hair across my ass" disposition. I hate the way I am behaving, I am embarrassed by my own actions. I can not shake this negative attitude. I know I am so lucky to have all the good fortune I've been given. I wonder if the things I think I am doing for my health are actually the reasons for my change in attitude. Can it be that something that should be good for me is really quite the opposite? Am I not capable of sorting through my emotions in a mature manor and presenting myself in a thoughtful and respectable way. Am I really just a spoiled adult who never learned how to handle confrontational challenges. Can I possibly go back to the way I was before I started acting like a raving imbecile? I've woken the sleeping giant and now he's an insomniac!!! What will it take to pacify him?
The process of writing usually tranquilizes my moods and helps me work through difficulties but that doesn't seem to be the case right now. So, I guess I need to give myself permission to be unhappy. Allow myself to be imperfect and wrong at times. Give myself the "green light" to be green with envy. Accept that I can be cranky and agitated and while it may make me less approachable or enjoyable, it also makes me human.
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