12/7/10 Silent are the Sounds of the Sad

Do we hear the sounds that are our life

Are they happy sounds, loud and clear
or muffled and distant

Do we recognized them as our own
or are they difficult to distinguish from others

Are they angry and maddening
or soft and subtle

Are they melodic or mundane

Do they project
or are they a whisper

Are they constant
or do they skip a beat

would anyone else want to hear them
or
are they better left in isolation

11/2/10- Shake The Cake

I took Stella to Nelson Forest today.  That sounds so intriguing, a forest in Marshfield and it was spectacular.  Perfectly crisp and as I walked I was able to relfect on my previous day.  Sometimes I take myself so seriously and why?  Is there anything that should shroud my mood to the point of frustration and anger?  No!!!  I need to lighten up, accept what is my present situation and either affect change or move on.  Yes I am heavier than I would like to be but does it mean so much to me that I should hate myself every day. I can despise the excess that rolls over my midsection but it does not mean I need to hate everything and everyone that comes across my path, bumping them out of the way with the flab that acts as my rubberized repellant.  This extra baggage has it's advantages.  It keeps me warmer than my skinny counterparts. If I were to get lost in this forest I would have plenty to live off for a long, long time!  At times I can package it so tighly, that it actually looks like muscle and I can intimidate others with my power.  I am what I am. a slightly over weight, middle aged woman that tries her best to get some exercise everyday.  I can push myself harder than most when it comes to physicality, but put chocolate in my face and I melt into the butterball that I truly am. I've always loved sweets and I've always struggled with my weight.  There have been occassions when I've altered my ways and lost the cravings and the corpulent bounty that is my body, only to be bounced back to the penalty line.  Soon I find excess eeking back pound by pound.  This re-emergence of my prior self is a slow progression and I always think, what's a pound or two, I still look good.  I can still pull this off.  I'm still less than my most, better than my worst, and smaller than some, so a pound or two is really nothing and if I wanted to I could shake that off with a rigorous run or few extra sit ups.  I'm good, I still look good.  Just when I start feeling extra confident, and people start commenting (and they always seem to comment about how good you look after you regain a few pounds), the two pounds becomes three.  I'm still okay, after all, I'm still getting compliments so I guess they can't see the three pounds, but if it gets to be four or five pounds, then I'll be sure and get back on the treadmill, full tilt.  I can shake this off with one good day of healthy eating, no snacks and the weight will be gone and as soon as I say four or five pounds, they appear, as simple as that!!!  I do not feel the need to go pound by pound and explain the mind set. suffice it to say, it is more of the same aformentioned mentality that continues to surface just as the circumference of a new, more expansive body part spreads it's mess and invades my slendor space.  For me, this does not happen over night.  It is a slow incremental inching of about two and a half pounds per year.  No need for me to qualify that with the number of years, but let's just say, it's been a few, but far to many!!  I've spent the past, "few" years settling, but with unease.  I still think I can shake the cake habit and re-emerge as the ripped, slim, hotty I thought I was a "few" years back but today I realized this could be a full time job for me and I'm not sure I want to work full time.  Perhaps part time is much more my style and most definitely, my speed.  I'm not abbreviating my goal, I'm just lengthening my time, afterall, I do have a lot more girth to grind and I'll start full tilt, tomorrow!

Read it any way you like

When the wine is gone
so am I

10/15/2010 College Essay

As many of you know, Connor has arrived at his senior year of high school and is now deep in the dreads of applying to colleges.  His application awaits his "College Essay", the culmination of the process, the icing on the cake, or in Connors' case, the mag wheels on his car, ready to jettison him into a life of independence, study and the occasional party.  A life Connor has been ready for since he was four, when his inquisitive four year old mind asked me, "when I turn five, will I have a five head",  a priceless thought, as I told him to wash his forehead.  Of course he would expect his head to expand with his age, after all, he had spent the past five years soaking up every morsel of information he was told, why would it not continue to grow in unison with his age?  His ability to retain continues to stun me but he struggles to capture who Connor, the seventeen year old high school senior is, in an essay, where he is simply asked to write about himself.
 How many of us are comfortable, extolling our virtues, talking about ourselves and glorifying every character trait with semantic ease and grammatical grace?  How do we maintain the delicate balance between modesty and self eminence, gliding through adage with the same purpose and sincerity we approach every day with, explaining, who we are, why we are and what has shaped us into the unique individuals we are.

 Well Connor, if this will help,this is how I see it...

You are the calm before the storm, enchantingly mild and serene, willing to step aside for the whirlwinds of life, the anonymous donor, kind, thoughtful and generous with no regard for recognition. Intensely inquisitive, with an understated intelligence that appeals to all ages, examplified by your adept ability to contribute to conversations with the young and old, as well as your peers, always surprising someone with your vast expanse of knowledge.  Seldom is there a topic that eludes you.  You are the constant that drives on cruise control, steady, even and smooth and most importantly, endlessly loyal.  If I were to liken you to a car, you'd be a Toyota Corolla.  The immensely reliable, enduring model that gets you there with out the flair.  You are unaffected by display.  You accept, even the most difficult to accept, without question, striving to see the lesson behind the disappontment.  You understand more than most.  You are confident and realistic with a humility that resembles a silent partner.  You require very little but deserve more than you receive.  You trust and believe in yourself and the goodness of others.  You are sincere in your efforts even when given a difficult task. You endure the undesirable with little argument, accepting that life is not always, "Popponesset Beach", regardless of how much you wish it could be. You were a bold baby, commandering the Cape. You grew into a captivating child, earning the title "mayor" of the beach. Your pre-teen years brought out your silly side, surfacing a sense of humor examplified by your talent show performances of "Who's on First" and  "The Chicken Dance".  Throughout  your teens, you continued to grow and expand beyond  expectations and I can not recall a time when I felt tested, tried, tired or overwhelmed.  You made my job easy. You've gone from a gentle, good natured boy to an intelligent, kind, genuine young man.  You were the first born of two which means, you entered life as number one and that will never change -  Connor Ahl, the one and only!!

10/15/2010- Walking Up Hill

AHHHH!!! I can't believe it has been so long since I've last written.  So many things have breezed through my mind during the splendor that was this summer and fall, and yet I have not found time to sit and write.  Today is different.  I took Stella for a walk at two mile farm today and it brought me back to what I love.  The introspective outlook I gain there is astounding.  I forgot how much I love the beauty of the woods, the friends I have made there and the joy I see, in Stella's steps when we arrive.  There is little I can compare it to.  It is enlightening and invigorating at the same time.  It rekindled my creative fire that dulled during the summer's heat, but is now ready to burn a new bridge, so to speak.  On the agenda, college essays, high school reunions, taking stalk of my present state and moving forward to explore and embrace new territories where the old comforts are no longer readily accessible but always treasured.  Somtimes it is harder to walk up hill, than it is to run a flat course, but while the comfort of the perdictable and steady dissipate, the thrill of a different challenge that requires a strained variety of patience, perseverance, and power brings with it a new and higher level of accomplishment.  I start the journey, now, wish me strength!!

8/4/10 Losing "it"

Do you ever feel like, sometimes, you just don't have it, and by it I mean, whatever it is you need to have to succeed?  I just didn't have it today and I couldn't find it and after a time, I gave up trying to find it.  Yes, today I gave up, quit, handed someone else, what I started the day wanting.  It's a horrible feeling to know I didn't give my best effort today.  I didn't try to figure out what needed to be altered and as I sit here typing away, sweating in this umbearable humidity, drinking my glass of wine, I am pissed off at myself, disgusted with my disinterest, ambivalence and lack of drive.  Where has it gone???  I used to care deeply. I would work myself hard and intense and yet, my execution today was deplorable.  I had am attitude I am ashamed to say, that I just didn't care.  Those who don't care, don't succeed and I joined the ranks of that less than desirable group today.  Those who quit without trying are cowhards.  They are afraid to fail while trying,  afraid to face the fact that their best might be less than perfect, but by failing to try, I have given away a piece of myself that I can never get back. I gave away my self respect and for that I am sad.

8/3/10 Uninspired

As I sit here with my laptop on my lap and the lights in my face
I think...
Is this the best use of my time?
Could I be anymore sedentary?
Is this really what I want to do?
Does this make me feel accomplished, at anything?
Can't I do something more inviting ?
Why have I been so solemn lately?
Could it have anything to do with the direction, or lack thereof, that my life seems to have taken?
I've allowed myself to fall into this void of unending, mundane isolation
I waste my energy and thoughts on the unimportant, while there is an enormous mountain of purpose waiting for me and yet, I continue to avoid validating anything other than the ridiculously petty thoughts that keep me from activating my potential
I can be so much more significant in my existence and yet I choose to continue to be an insignificant nomad that wonders the depths on my own mind
Resulting, in yet another uninspired post in this blog