Live & Learn

When we think we know all the answers

the draw of the pursuit vanishes

and we stop living

allowing the inevitable descent

of existence

into a state of arrogance, indolence, 

and a life without purpose

Infectious Failure

The reality of my failing 

is as blatant as the weeds in my yard

No matter how hard I work,

a tap root has cemented itself in the clay

modeling a snare of suffocation

spawning seeds of invasive and deplorable quality

Until all that remains is useless excess

Offering no value 

and infectious in its state

Just Desserts???

Words 

can be the icing on the cake

the knife that cuts it or 

or the mouth that eats it

It's your choice 

whether you want to 

wear it

spear it 

or swallow it whole

Sure Fire Shit!!!

As I took my first sip, it was bad, but it was not so bad that I couldn't tolerate it.  I have done this before, but I did not remember it tasting like this.  It was warm, so perhaps that was why it tasted different.  The more I drank the worse it got.  As I continued, it became the equivalent of esophageal  assault.  It hit my tongue and slid to the back of my throat and instantly, it ravaged my taste buds, burning them as it saturated my mouth.  As it traveled down my trachea and into my stomach, the affects lingered and suffocated my being.  The more I drank, the worse it got and yet I had to continue.  This is my required torture, every three years I must "prep" for the clean sweep.  The prep is horrendous from beginning to end (pun most definitely intended).  If you have not guessed yet, I am talking about the night before a colonoscopy.  The no food rule is by far the easiest.  After the first hunger pain subsides, it really is nothing, but that drink, oh man, that drink, magnesium citrate...holy shit, or wholly butt is more like it.  That substance macerates your entire insides and generates an expulsion of crap that doesn't stop.  It comes out like a hose on jet propulsion mode and there seems to be no end.  You lie down to get some rest from the exhaustive exertion and your gut is churning, so violently that it's both audible and visible.  I guess you could say it's stimulation for all the senses. 

I am told to drink one bottle and two hours later drink another. Then it's suggested I get a good nights sleep and then four hours before the procedure I am told to enjoy another beverage that bores a whole in my body in more places than one. Getting through the first bottle took me two hours.  As a result, on my nice empty stomach, I am enjoying a non stop cocktail of crap-o-colada.  I tried the cherry and the grape and they were both a fruitful of FAIL!!!  After suffering through the first two bottles, I thought I would have some respite, but that's when the action really began.  When they say, be sure to be close by a toilet, they aren't kidding.  Try sleeping on it.  I had a permanent indent from the toilet seat, I was sitting on it for so long.  Even when I wasn't "producing"anything, I never knew when it would strike, and there was very little lead time before the explosion.  These weren't bombs, they were streams of stench with no resemblance to anything solid.  After a night of all shit and no sleep, I drink my third bottle.  I struggle to comprehend how there can be anything left in my colon but this sucky, sugary drink I am being forced to consume, but, believe it or not, there is still more shit to shed.  With the dawning of a new day, I am now starting to think about the drive to the office and I start to sweat with fear that I won't make it to the office without a little leakage.  (Is that gas, or is there substance behind it?)  I am not kidding, this thing sucks, but I make it to the office and I am comfortably in the hospital garb and reclined in the bed, safely tucked in, complete with a pad to absorb anything that my slip. (How comforting to know I can lie in my own crap and still protect their bedding!!)

Despite the fact that I am sedated, I do awake, just like the first time I was lucky enough to have this procedure done, but to my shock, they are discussing my diet!!!... Can you imagine my embarrassment, after all that work, I was still full of shit!!!!!!!  

Apparently, a diet high in fiber requires more extensive prep.  Couple this with my "redundant" colon, and I am now looking at three days of prep and four to five bottles of internal assault.  Three years can't be far enough off.  Maybe by then, they'll have discovered a less violent way to clean house, but at least it's a sure fire way to shed five pounds and by sure fire, I mean sure FIRE!!!!!

Weigh More

Words can be as heavy as a boulder or as light as a feather
But the more weight they carry, the longer the impression lasts

Goodbye Rosanne

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything in my blog.  I have come upon some difficult times and it has slowed the flow of thought, I am usually so adept at.  First it was an illness that made it difficult for me to focus and more recently, it has been a lack of motivation, but as I sit here tonight, I am saddened to realize  I have one less reader.


My cousin Rosanne passed away Sunday morning July 22nd and today was her funeral.  It was a beautiful tribute with an abundance of family and friends to say goodbye.  Her daughter gave an amazingly poised and moving eulogy. Her children and husband were so brave and strong and her friends and family could not find the words to express their sorrow.  It was a day of indecisive weather, teetering between sunshine and showers, exemplifying the conflict the heavens felt and shared; while they were happy to receive Rosanne, they were equally sad to see the void that would be left behind, in her absence.



As supporters approached and expressed their sorrow for my loss, I could not help but feel somewhat undeserving of their support.  It was not my loss, as much as it was humanity's loss.  She treated everyone with the same kindness and sincerity she extended her family. She was truly compassionate and empathetic, regardless of whether you were a relative or not.  She was a nurse who took on the world as her personal patient, wanting to fix what she could and touch whoever she could with her heart.  To simply see her as a valiant fighter is selling her short.  She braved and battled for five long years to enjoy every moment her life was extended.  She never displayed her pain or struggle, always looking vibrant and happy with what she was given, all while maintaining friendships and traditions that brought her as much joy as her work, as a nurse practitioner.  She lived to give and only wanted, for one more day to give more.



While I sit and think about the person she was, I am forever grateful that I was fortunate enough to have spent some time with her, enjoying the spirit she was and the soul she has infused in all, who have crossed her path. She has left an interminable impression in the sands of time, enticing any and all beach-shore visitors, to try and replicate the footprints, she has left behind.  A challenge we would all be the better for. 




Thank you for leading us all to the shoreline of sweet sincerity.  You've made me want to be a better person...all my love Rosanne, sink into the sand and rest in peace.

The Trinity's Trident

and when the tines of reality pierce us

there is nothing we can do but melt the metal that has pinned us

and find a renewed trident