Sure Fire Shit!!!

As I took my first sip, it was bad, but it was not so bad that I couldn't tolerate it.  I have done this before, but I did not remember it tasting like this.  It was warm, so perhaps that was why it tasted different.  The more I drank the worse it got.  As I continued, it became the equivalent of esophageal  assault.  It hit my tongue and slid to the back of my throat and instantly, it ravaged my taste buds, burning them as it saturated my mouth.  As it traveled down my trachea and into my stomach, the affects lingered and suffocated my being.  The more I drank, the worse it got and yet I had to continue.  This is my required torture, every three years I must "prep" for the clean sweep.  The prep is horrendous from beginning to end (pun most definitely intended).  If you have not guessed yet, I am talking about the night before a colonoscopy.  The no food rule is by far the easiest.  After the first hunger pain subsides, it really is nothing, but that drink, oh man, that drink, magnesium citrate...holy shit, or wholly butt is more like it.  That substance macerates your entire insides and generates an expulsion of crap that doesn't stop.  It comes out like a hose on jet propulsion mode and there seems to be no end.  You lie down to get some rest from the exhaustive exertion and your gut is churning, so violently that it's both audible and visible.  I guess you could say it's stimulation for all the senses. 

I am told to drink one bottle and two hours later drink another. Then it's suggested I get a good nights sleep and then four hours before the procedure I am told to enjoy another beverage that bores a whole in my body in more places than one. Getting through the first bottle took me two hours.  As a result, on my nice empty stomach, I am enjoying a non stop cocktail of crap-o-colada.  I tried the cherry and the grape and they were both a fruitful of FAIL!!!  After suffering through the first two bottles, I thought I would have some respite, but that's when the action really began.  When they say, be sure to be close by a toilet, they aren't kidding.  Try sleeping on it.  I had a permanent indent from the toilet seat, I was sitting on it for so long.  Even when I wasn't "producing"anything, I never knew when it would strike, and there was very little lead time before the explosion.  These weren't bombs, they were streams of stench with no resemblance to anything solid.  After a night of all shit and no sleep, I drink my third bottle.  I struggle to comprehend how there can be anything left in my colon but this sucky, sugary drink I am being forced to consume, but, believe it or not, there is still more shit to shed.  With the dawning of a new day, I am now starting to think about the drive to the office and I start to sweat with fear that I won't make it to the office without a little leakage.  (Is that gas, or is there substance behind it?)  I am not kidding, this thing sucks, but I make it to the office and I am comfortably in the hospital garb and reclined in the bed, safely tucked in, complete with a pad to absorb anything that my slip. (How comforting to know I can lie in my own crap and still protect their bedding!!)

Despite the fact that I am sedated, I do awake, just like the first time I was lucky enough to have this procedure done, but to my shock, they are discussing my diet!!!... Can you imagine my embarrassment, after all that work, I was still full of shit!!!!!!!  

Apparently, a diet high in fiber requires more extensive prep.  Couple this with my "redundant" colon, and I am now looking at three days of prep and four to five bottles of internal assault.  Three years can't be far enough off.  Maybe by then, they'll have discovered a less violent way to clean house, but at least it's a sure fire way to shed five pounds and by sure fire, I mean sure FIRE!!!!!