My Life in Suspension

Just some random thoughts that have entered my mind during this social suspension:

Getting out of bed by 9 am is an ambitious day
When I do get up I put on real clothes just to be sure they still fit (they are a bit snug, but I think that's because they've been laundered so much they're shrinking, that's a thing isn't it?)
First thing, aside from the usual hygiene...I immediately head toward my latest puzzle, putting myself in a trance like state to start the day
Cake is a solid breakfast
My workout clothes aren't seeing a ton of action, which might explain the tons of food I'm finding I eat (Ton for ton that's an even exchange)
Cleaning is now considered physical fitness in my book
I get excited about alphabetizing my spice rack
Breakfast and lunch are very close together
I have very little to say when so little is going on
I really don't like the way I look on camera (is there a good angle for someone over 50 with excess neck flesh?)


I like the fact that I can do one thing for 15 minutes and tire of it, moving on to the next without fear of leaving something hanging (there's always tomorrow)
I'm fairly good at lazy
I now understand why my dog sneaks in the pantry (what else is there to do when you're stuck at home all the time?)
I think I've seen every TV series I wanted to watch and now I'm watching reality TV just to make it seem like socializing is real
The fewer commitments I have the more scattered I am, does that make sense?
I'm tired of texting
My dog is the cutest!!

I don't know where all this stuff came from but I have a lot of crap in my house
Income is a fantasy I have in my dreams

Taking a class on how to use Instagram sounds enterprising
I welcome any "in person" interaction with any human (6 feet apart of course, grumpy or pleasant, doesn't matter I just need some live banter)
With the limited trips to the store I'm finding new substitutes for certain foods (Ice cream works in place of milk, yogurt or anything dairy)
There's no such thing as meal replacement in lock-down
My previous endeavors - tennis, pickle ball, and road races have been replaced with daily puzzling, exploratory baking and competitive drinking (in that order)

I'm learning new things every day, social distancing, food insecure, PPE, N-95,  and incompetent idiots can speak at press briefings
Finding something to laugh at is merely a press conference away
"Hang in there"  has never been so literal!

Social Silencing

As we all pause and take in the magnitude of current events
It is my hope that we can all stop and be grateful for what we have

For many this is a forced hiatus from work which
can be a blessing
now captive to our lives without work
this should not be entirely bad

At a basic level,
this can mean we get to sleep in late
get our lives organized
tackle all those projects we "never have time for"

On a more personal level,
we can stop and reconnect with family, friends and those we care about
the old fashion way of "talking"
(yes a phone can be used for something other than texting)
we can write a letter with paper and pen
and send it off for someone to receive an unexpected surprise in their mailbox
(imagine getting something other than junk mail or bills????)

We can pause and assess
Our life's meaning

Find a purpose
shift gears if the pause calls us in another direction

This hiatus is not entirely bad
and while we might all tire of the mundane routine of less
Perhaps that is exactly what we all need

Fewer distractions
less accumulation of insignificant "stuff"
less to take us away from what we should be valuing and appreciating
the simplicity of family, friends and just existing in a world where people care for one another
on a very basic level

Awaiting The Rainbow

When the water falls

Outlook is laden with clouds

Longing brighter days

Message in a Bottle

A moment in time, captured sublime

a requisition of altered position

This bottled note, drifting afloat

Searching a savior of altered behavior

Hope's sendoff,  for life's takeoff

but the bottle delivers nothing but rivers

of liquid courage and misplaced tonnage

This beached delight,  grounded in flight

of salty streams of aspiring dreams

Was nothing more than a washed ashore

Bottled quagmire, of hopeful desire

For the message to reach the right shore

The Art of Listening

The art of listening is lost on those that want for themselves

Only the selfless can gift you grace

A good ear gifts value to those it is offered

washing away the angst of 'less than"

and building a walkway

to more

Garden of Growth

Call me crazy, but I lost something today that was with me for many years, fourteen to be precise.  It was shockingly difficult and actually brought me to tears.

Let me tell you about what I lost.

I can still remember our first encounter.  It was fourteen years ago.  We had recently moved in to a new house and  you know the saying, "new house new baby", well, we had an entire yard to landscape and I was looking for a few saplings to start a garden.  I went to Seone's in Abington where they were offering an educational seminar on planting and landscaping.  It was a great class and once complete, I walked around the nursery looking for ideas.  That's when I saw it, off in the distance, all by it's self, this adorable weeping pussy willow tree, about six feet tall and abundant with fluffy, soft  white pussy willows tinged with a border of yellow pollen lanugo.  It was my baby and instantly I loved the tree.  I wanted it but wasn't sure I was the right caretaker. It deserved a qualified home that would nurture and love it into maturity.  I circled around a dozen times contemplating my abilities and decided it was best to give it the careful thought it deserved.

A life, with my family...was it good enough?  I stocked that tree like a hawk it's prey.  I went back weekly for 2-3 weeks checking on it, visiting,  sweeping past as though I was there for another purpose, secretly lurking behind the hydrangeas and as others walked past and caressed her willows, I finally cracked and realized we were meant to be.  I carried her to my car and kept her warm in the heat of my vehicle.  Gently I cradled her and with careful thought, I placed her as a focal point in the yard where I could see her with every sunrise and sunset.  She was a beacon in a field of immaturity.  She looked over the lilacs, peonies, cypress and cottoneasters with the delicacy of a child at a tea party.  Her mop like trestles spread and opened resembling an umbrella, a top the hill. Her trunk acceded to the strength of the wind, leaning a bit more with each passing year.  Yet her beauty and variety through the seasons, inspired me to prose and thought. She was my poetic model, a life I loved and grew to cherish.

Tragically, my soil was cold and hard.  Her roots could not penetrate the clay that resided beneath the surface.  Her growth was strangled by that which surrounded her and in time, her fight succumbed to the environment and she failed.  I was heartbroken when I saw her life fading, slowly diminishing to less each year.  I hung on trying to bring her back to her vibrant strength of earlier years but it was no longer within her spectrum of strength.  She was already moving on to a new purpose of which I was no longer the beneficiary.  Yet as strange as it may seem to have this unorthodox connection with an arboreous statue, this experience offered some insight into my life's directives.

Whether arboresque or earthly beings...

Every encounter begins with two and it's growth extends past that which birthed it.

Enjoy the willow while it flowers,
love it in it's dormant stage,
care for it as it ages,
learn from it through every stage.

My Friend In Unfamiliar Territory

I miss my friend,
of past, present and future...

her advice, her humor and her contribution to conversations.
The personality that could light up a room
The stories we shared
Her enthusiasm for life
The smiles and tears
The strength she gave me with a simple look or a firm hug
I miss seeing her the way she was
Engaging, athletic, empathetic and vivacious

I miss my friend
who has a disease that stole her from all of us

leaving her to deal with the struggles of knowing but not
wanting the words but unable to find them
remembering and forgetting at the same time
the memories we will make but will promptly be eclipsed
A person who has it all but can't find the access
aiming to master the routines of life
A person bigger than life now burdened with simple needs
in a chronic state of dependence

I miss my friend
and I love what she has given me

wisdom, laughter, and companionship
enough to fill the sweeping voids of her present self
searching for their permanent place
Stories vaulted to a secret place of which I have the only ingress
and always a passion for what is present
memories shared in celestial bliss
the full spectrum of senses
compassion, poignancy, courage and perseverance to face life's trials


My friend,

with the fortitude of a lifelong competitor, striving to conquer the next challenge...even if it is, unfamiliar territory

Cloud Cover

When our vision is clouded, we must remove ourselves from thought,

before we can grow in perspective

The Graceful Graduate

I've been avoiding this

Procrastinating

Actually refusing to acknowledge

Living in an incomplete picture

Breaking the brush that started the drawing

You see

this was one landscape I was never really intended to complete

something I started and was an integral part of at it's inception

and as the years passed, I became less

Less the designer

Less the artist

Less the lead in the pencil and more the rough draft

Less necessary

This was one work of art that grew on it's own

Took on it's own identity and blossomed into it's own original piece

vibrant, dynamic, intense and soothing

Alive with depth

Alluring, energetic, broad

A portrait I started but life took over

and delivered an adult

that resembles me in appearance

but surpasses me in life

A daughter that found herself amidst the rubble of my mistakes

and created a statue of standing

Solid

Unique

and Grounded in Grace

Finding Faith and Taking Flight

Faith grows where darkness covers

blue despair that blindly hovers

Lending light to the black hollow

giving promise to the slated sorrow

Lifting spirits from grey to white

until we find our guiding light

Finding Heart

If my pencil pierces your heart

 then I was dutifully lead to purpose

if it has merely brushed the surface

 then I must find a sharper tool

Trust Where I Lead

Remnants are small pieces of something larger
There is nothing one can do to collect these scraps and reproduce what was once there in full scale

This, a reality I grapple with each day

Beneath the flab of my forearms is a swimmers stroke

Weakened with age but having traversed extensive miles,
 I'm well traveled and ready to conquer the strongest current life throws
Among the perimeter of my thighs is the power of a once steadfast runner

Who could plod through a course with the dedication of a soldier,
slower than most but ready to stay the course

Buried amidst the rolls and creases of my midsection is the core of who I have always been
A person indulgent in excess but always ready to absorb the slights directed at others

Embroiled in my brain is a complex path that's fighting to pave the way
Within the grasp of my hands is the guidance I offer anyone willing to take hold and
Trust where I lead

Shot Gun

The Words
As quickly as they escape
Shot down in mid air
Blasted away
Serving as target practice for the hunter
Shattered and stunned



The Victim
Learns to disseminate sparingly
Traveling softly
Quietly
Almost non-existent
So as not to awaken the hunter
But the shot gun has already taken a life

Free Form

If fear is the film that strangles our existence

Then we must learn to shed the skin that hinders our movement

Taking free form and engaging the entanglement

Cast Away

if you throw me a line and I catch it

I was meant to be saved

if I miss the line

I was meant to swim on my own

finding my strength, stroke and balance

It's not always in the cast

Let Me In

I am the wind that whispers as you walk
be still and you will hear me
hurry on and I am an indecipherable whistle
I am the sky using the clouds as my canvas
venture out and you will see me
stay covered and you'll miss the message
I am the scent of your surroundings
breathe in and you'll be renewed
stay cloistered and you'll remain stagnant
I am the earth that keeps you grounded
walk strong and I'll support you
skip along and you may trip

I am the spirit that surrounds you
let me in and I will guide you
shut me out and darkness comes

The End

The end
is sad
and progressive
clear
and dark
hard
and encompassing

jagged

and straightforward

Essential 

and unwelcome

scary 

and exhilarating

necessary

and dreaded 

final
and infinite

the End

Solidifying the Silhouette

we will never know what lies ahead
if we turn around before we get there

if we get lost along the way
the diversion signifies our new silhouette

if we fight our silhouette

we are fighting ourselves

allow the outline to be drawn

and design the interior of your lifes' intentions

Fading Glory

My past is buried deep in the creases of my being
Beneath the rolls and puff of my core is an athlete
A fitness instructor now a student
A distance runner now a sporadic sport
A triathlete now afloat
A skier who has gone adrift

My past enslaves me to the present but my heart remains where the skill is gone

The Present

why does it take finality for us to appreciate that which has been there

that which has been

waiting for a crack of the window

to offer a soothing breeze

it should not take a flight across the world to see the sunshine above us

or feel the velocity of the wind

presence is all that is required to feel the presents